A Beautiful Mess

Car payments, Bible Study and Life

2008-10-22T13:11:00.003-04:00

I am sitting here in the absolute quiet of my house (save for the fridge running and Yikes! the furnace), yet it is incredibly noisy in my head. It is often this way. My brain is a busy place, so full of everything, yet when it really comes down to it, full of nothing.

I have always struggled with the scripture that talks about not worrying. I am a chronic worrier. Some days its so bad that if I get distracted stop worrying for a minute, when I am ready to get back to worrying, I can't remember what I was worried about, so now I am worried that I am neglecting a very important worry! Whew! So see, this is how the noise in my head starts, and inevitably continues!

Today, my thoughts are swirling. If I send the house payment today, will it clear the bank before the next paycheck? Was anyone offended by what I said at Bible Study last night? What bills will I be able to pay this week? When am I going to sleep again? Did I sign up for too much overtime, too little? Why is the sky blue? Which way does the toilet paper go on the holder? See what I mean? It's a busy place!

A dear friend of mine sent me an email this morning that was so encouraging. She knew I needed it today! I guess a little birdie must have told her. It totally lifted my spirit and quieted down some of the chatter.

Matthew 6 has lots of advice about worry. I guess I should memorize the chapter! One of the verses that stands out the most is verse 34:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Isn't that the truth!

So, as the noise in my head continues, I shall go about my day and pray that God takes my worries and that I can let him have them.

The most awesome of communion

2008-10-09T21:08:00.004-04:00

This past Sunday was World Communion Sunday. In our church we don't take communion every Sunday. Actually, being a new church, I really don't know at this time if we have a "schedule". I remember when we took communion for the first time as a "new body of believers" and it was special. I do know we had a pretty moving communion on Easter Sunday after we nailed our personal requests and sins to the cross. But this past Sunday.....wow.

The only way I can describe it is that the place was SATURATED with the Holy Spirit. We watched a video that was scenes from the Passion of the Christ set to the Communion Song by Third Day (I tried to put the video on here-I think it may have worked?). We then stood together and prayed. Then, we each went to the front, took a piece of bread and dipped it in the juice and took of the last meal. All this while Who Am I by Casting Crowns played. We then stood together and sang Amazing Grace (the Chris Tomlin version). I can't ever recall a time that I felt the Spirit moving so freely and heavily at the same time~ there was not a dry eye in the room.

I never have really thought about the last supper Jesus had with his chosen. Even when I saw it depicted in The Passion, I didn't really give it a second thought (Maybe there were a few other heavy issues weighing on me at the time?) Of course, I know the story and I've taught it in children's church a hundred times. But when I watched the Communion video, and saw the expressions on each of their faces, I think this is when the light bulb (or would it have been torch then?) came on and they thought-This is really it, he wasn't kidding--He is really going to leave. And I am sure that at the cross, those words "Do this in remembrance of Me" rang true in their ears. I think they probablywalked around those 3 days before Jesus raised from the dead thinking "Whoa, I totally should have listened to Jesus. He said this was going to happen! I really hope he comes back in a couple days!" And even then, they didn't recognize him!

How many times have I done this. I ask for something, totally not believing that it would come to pass (however, it didn't stop me from asking again and again!) and then when the ball would get rolling, I didn't even recognize it because I was too wrapped up in thinking it wasn't going to happen!

I think it will be hard to top last Sunday. Even though the week has been hectic and the days long, I have felt a little lighter this week. Had a little more spring in my step....And I am listening a little closer to that small still voice so I will recognize it when it is shouting from the mountain top!

Undo Me

2008-10-02T20:00:00.005-04:00

Undo
Rush Of Fools -

I've been here before, now here I am again

Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in

To label me a prodigal would be

Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Turn me around pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one

who can undo

What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win

Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin

To label me a hypocrite would be

Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Turn me around pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo

What I've become

Make every step lead me back to

The sovereign way that You

Turn me around pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You, need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only one who can undo

What I've become.....

That song has been going through my head since I woke this morning (the sun wasn't out yet, so I'm pretty sure God wasn't even up). The words ring so true to me. I am ashamed to say, that I I have to say these very words to God-daily. I am the lost sheep who continuously wanders away and needs to be brought back to the place where forgiveness and grace reside.

Maybe I'm just a slow learner. I can almost picture God and Jesus sitting there together shaking there heads, "Well Dad, there she goes again! I don't think she's ever going to learn. Did you forget a few of her brain cells during her creation?" Just Kidding! But I sure feel like that somedays! The chorus of this song helps me to realize that I can't do it myself, that He's the only one who can help me, turn me around and pick me up.

I have this verse written in my scripture journal. I belive it says it all....

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

--Ephesians 1:7-8 (NIV)

I am most truely thankful everyday that I can knock on that door, and God will always open it and say "Daughter. Welcome back. I've been waiting."

My Heavy Heart

2008-09-26T22:38:00.004-04:00

As I write this tonight, my heart is so heavy. It seems that tragedy is all around me.

My heart is grieving for the families who I don't yet know the names of. The four children lost this afternoon in a bus accident on their way home from school. I only know that one of the children was 6 years old. And I know this because my Dad was on scene. My heart is breaking for him. He has been helping others out of the goodness of his heart for more than 30 years-but he may as well be a rookie when it comes to dealing with the children. It never gets easier, maybe it's even harder for him now, as he has 3 elementary age grandchildren running about.

These were special needs children. Like that insult to injury is needed. I don't understand why this happens. Why not the drunk driver, the serial killer, the pedophile? My heart is heavy with questions and aching with the pain of thinking of what those parents must be feeling. You send your children to school each morning and expect to see them that afternoon. All abuzz and happy with the goings on of the day, especially a Friday. You have plans for the weekend, plans for the holidays and plans for the future. Now these parents don't even get to tuck their babies into bed tonight. There are four families who will never again get to smell the sweet smell of freshly shampooed hair and bubble gum toothpaste on their child's breath. Oh, how my heart hurts.

I don't understand this. The tragedy that befalls us in life. Yesterday, a five year old was taken from her family in a different car accident and her mother is severely injured. A paramedic in the Indianapolis area, killed on her way to work. Last week, a gal I work with lost a brother-in-law, sister-in-law and father-in-law in a car accident. Why?

I can only cling to the promises that the Lord gave us. I don't even have the energy to try to be angry with Him. Tragedy is a consequence of the free will that we are given. He has given us this because the choice to follow him has to be ours. He will not force our hand to do anything. We have to make the right choices, and when we don't we or someone else can be hurt.

In Jeremiah, we are given this promise:

Jeremiah 29:11For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I bought a bracelet with this promise inscribed on it and it keeps coming to my mind tonight as I think about all these families who are grieving. He has plans for us. We do not know what they are. We may not understand why these are the plans he has chose. Even Jesus asked God to spare his life if there was any other way.

So as I kissed my babies tonight and smelled their watermelon hair, I said an extra prayer of thank you and an extra prayer of comfort for those grieving families.

A New Adventure

2008-09-23T19:23:00.003-04:00

I've never had a blog before. I guess, back in my day, it was called a diary. I remember my first diary. It was blue and had a pretty rainbow on the front (back when rainbows where just what they were and didn't have any hidden meaning). It had a little lock on the side. I thought I was awesome. I wrote my deepest and darkest secrets there. At least as deep and dark as a nine year old girl can have! Who I loved that day. Who was my best friend that day and why Sally was no longer my friend starting right now!

Those were the days......

Now, I guess I will blog. I'm not even sure if I am using that term correctly. I am definately not a techno wizard. Sometimes, running the DVR is a little too much for me and I have to stop to take a nap and regoup so I can find exactly what episode of SpongeBob we are looking for in the list of 100 hours of recorded stuff.

Well, for my deepest and darkest secrets. Ha! Thought you were gonna get some real juice on me huh? Well, sorry. My life is quite mundane, boring....beautiful. I have been married to the love of my life for 11 years. We have been together for 17, so I often say, that even if I wanted to get rid of him, I have too much time and energy invested in training him thus far, so I guess I'm stuck. I have a few close friends now and several "friends". And quiet honestly, if the proverbial Sally is made and doesn't want to be my friend, fine. I haven't the energy or time. If I have wronged her, I pray that God will give me the wisdom and guideance to confront her and make ammends. If that is not sufficient for her, then I need to move on. Life is too short to contemplate the what if's forever. This has not always been true in my case, but I have come a long way. I still have to learn though that if I have done what I know in my heart is right then I need to let it go. There are some people who aren't worth getting upset about.

But...don't cross my children wrongly. Mama bear comes out. My children are the most valuable, precious gifts I could have ever been given. I wish I could protect them forever. When they are scared, disappointed, hurt or sad, my heart aches in a way I didn't know was possible. I know they have to live and learn on their own, I just hope I made the map clear enough for them to navigate through this series of mountains and valleys we call life.

And now, it is time for baths and bedtime, let the tears begin. We are all tired. We are all wore out. And we are frazzled. But as I put their blonde heads to bed, I pray that God wraps him in his arms, protects them and gives me the strength and wisdom to be what I need to be for them.